Planes Trains & Automobiles...please slit my wrist part deux

O.K. so where was I ??? Oh yeah, we were just deposited by Mr. Green duct tape cabbie. We're at the airport 2 hours early so we have lots of time to get through the security. Pretty easy to do if you have enough time.

However, that is of course your husband doesn't forget his carry on bag (again) at the x-ray machine at security. Cuz you know, if you leave a bag and walk away......the bag is suspect. Not until we reach our gate does David remember he forgot his bag (this is NOT the first time this has happened). We go back and they have to swab every item in the bag and put it through the spectrometer to make sure there is no bomb making chemicals. No problem until I remember my camera is in there and I always take my camera into my studio to take pictures. I start to get a little nervous because I have a lot of chemicals in my studio for making glazes. Now, I know that's not bomb making ingredients but...chemicals! We get through just fine and I get to relax.

The flight was uneventful and even arriving at Bush Intercontinental Airport and getting to our apartment rental was easy. Now without going into details lets just say that spending time with family is fun.......for a day or two. Beyond that....SLIT MY WRIST!!!!! I don't want to hurt anyone's feeling or anything but.......please.....SLIT MY WRIST!!! Oh, did I say that out loud?

Returning to Oregon was another story....again with the damn forgotten bag at security!!!! God.... damn.... it..... David ......you forgot the goddamn bag again!!! This time security took Davids I.D and swabbed the damn bag. It got 2 hits/alarms and we spent another 20 minutes waiting for a special TSA (ThatShitAgain) person to do more testing. By this time I have had enough of traveling, people,family and airports. "O.K. sir you can go now...they did the test wrong and nothing is wrong with your pepto bismol". Now don't we all know that NO liquids more than 2 oz are allowed in your carry on???? Oh for the love of God!!!


We finally get on the plane and get off the ground when I start smelling a foul odor. Apparently, someone had had more than their fill of Thanksgiving grub. Politely I turn on the overhead fan to disburse the stench.

Over and over again the passenger behind me farted. By mid flight I had enough and each time he farted I raised my hand up and turned on the fan saying "oh for goodness sakes...go to the bathroom already"!!! He didn't get the hint.

I'm trying to ignore the stench when I look out the window...mistake...big mistake! I see a passenger jet maybe a 20 seater whiz by about 1 mile away. Now, a mile may not seem very close but trust me.....that is close enough in plane distance.

I'm watching t.v now to try to distract me from the foul odor and anything else that may be just outside our plane. Whoa...what was that??? Turbulence....my nightmare beyond the man farting behind me. Oh please let us get to Portland in one piece....clicking my heels like Dorothy and hoping the wizard will get us there in one piece. At least that got me to forget the smell. Funny, no one else seemed to mind the Thanksgiving gas.


My clicking of my heels must have done some good because we landed in Portland unharmed. We did however have to get a cab back to where our cars were parked.

We get out to where the taxi's are lined up and yup, you got it....the only taxi in the line up that had room for 6 people was....of course, you got it....the GREEN cab/shuttle. Well, at least this one was shiny and new and clean and the heat was on. We all pile in and we tell the cabbie where to take us. Uh, he's from Russia and we are his first fare EVER. O.K. I can deal with that, or can I? He takes a few minutes and finally figures out how to start the time on the meter. Then he tells us he doesn't know his way around town and will have to use GPS. Uh oh, I feel a sweat coming on. I tell him it's easy, I'll direct you because it's only about 5 miles away. The man misses the road and wants to take us on the damn freeway. Where the hell is he going to take us and are we paying him for this???!!! I slightly raise my I'm tired of traveling voice and tell him to get off the highway. He takes a side road and I am now the voice of the pissed off GPS. Self...stay calm I tell myself. We get almost to our cars when I tell him turn at the KFC...."KFC??? What is KFC?" Kentucky Fried Chicken.....turn at the Kentucky Fried Kitchen.....all the while everyone is is silently screaming turn at KFC and are holding on to their collective butts.

Thankfully we make it and our daughter in laws car keys are safely on the seat of her car. Ahhhhh, we have one more holiday to endure.........Christmas a joyous occasion. If I even mention flying to celebrate another holiday at family out of town.....please, someone slit my wrist!!!

Planes Trains and Automobiles...please slit my wrist.....part 1

For the last five years or so we've been flying to Houston Texas to spend Thanksgiving with my husbands ex-wife's family. Well, not really WITH the ex but we are very close to his ex sister in law and brother in law. Including all the gaggle of nieces, nephews and their babies. This year we brought my son his wife and the grandchildren with us.

The trek began with leaving Bend Oregon driving to Portland. O.K. so we knew a storm was coming but I've driven over the mountain pass a ton of times. We are always prepared to travel in the snow. SUV armed with tarp,chains,military folding shovel, dried fruits, pretzels and the like. Candle, matches, water including hotties.....you know those little things you can snap and keep your hands warm. I was prepared!!!! Boy Scouts got nothin' on me!!

The drive was freakin' UNBELIEVABLE! It was so damn bad there was zero visibility and we had to completely stop on the road and wait for it to clear before continuing. There were at least 4 jack knifed semi trucks. What the hell? Snow falling, ice on the windshield wipers crazy shits on the road. As a few bubbas tail gated me and then raced passed me in their bubba trucks and cars I could only hope that they would get theirs. We passed one of them after his suv slipped into the ditch covered with snow. I just smiled and waved...... See ya!

We got to the top of the mountain at a rest stop and the guy in the store wouldn't let my husband use the restroom. The snow was up to his thighs and the guy in the store had no mercy! So, David peed on the corner of the building! Nuf said. Once we got to Portland we found out that ODOT closed the mountain pass for 2 hours just behind us. Thank goodness I didn't know about this. I was already uptight!


I was hoping this was not the omen of what was to come. Nahhhh, everything will be cool.

Spent the night in Portland and called a cab the next morning to get to the airport. DO NOT USE THE GREEN CAB/SHUTTLE company in Portland Oregon!!!! Remember, there was a storm that had just passed and it was freezing.

The Shuttle came at the expected time. We all piled in but he had not turned on the heater. Again...it was FREEZING!!!! This van looked like some molester van...dirty, skanky and held together with green duct tape! I said "hey can you turn on the heater, it's cold". Huh huh huh huh....guess you all need to cuddle up back there was his answer. WTF!!! Said he just got the heater fixed yesterday. "O.K. then, can you turn on the heater...it's cold." Not until we were halfway to the airport did he turn on his.....get this.....defroster. I tell him, "hey you turned on the defroster not the heater. Can you turn on the heater?" He tells my husband Whoa better get her to the airport so she can get warm. Again, I tell him hey, turn on the heater not the defroster. Well, that's what I use not the heater. What an Asshat!


TO BE CONTINUED.......