Sunday, November 28, 2010
Planes Trains & Automobiles...please slit my wrist part deux
O.K. so where was I ??? Oh yeah, we were just deposited by Mr. Green duct tape cabbie. We're at the airport 2 hours early so we have lots of time to get through the security. Pretty easy to do if you have enough time.
However, that is of course your husband doesn't forget his carry on bag (again) at the x-ray machine at security. Cuz you know, if you leave a bag and walk away......the bag is suspect. Not until we reach our gate does David remember he forgot his bag (this is NOT the first time this has happened). We go back and they have to swab every item in the bag and put it through the spectrometer to make sure there is no bomb making chemicals. No problem until I remember my camera is in there and I always take my camera into my studio to take pictures. I start to get a little nervous because I have a lot of chemicals in my studio for making glazes. Now, I know that's not bomb making ingredients but...chemicals! We get through just fine and I get to relax.
The flight was uneventful and even arriving at Bush Intercontinental Airport and getting to our apartment rental was easy. Now without going into details lets just say that spending time with family is fun.......for a day or two. Beyond that....SLIT MY WRIST!!!!! I don't want to hurt anyone's feeling or anything but.......please.....SLIT MY WRIST!!! Oh, did I say that out loud?
Returning to Oregon was another story....again with the damn forgotten bag at security!!!! God.... damn.... it..... David ......you forgot the goddamn bag again!!! This time security took Davids I.D and swabbed the damn bag. It got 2 hits/alarms and we spent another 20 minutes waiting for a special TSA (ThatShitAgain) person to do more testing. By this time I have had enough of traveling, people,family and airports. "O.K. sir you can go now...they did the test wrong and nothing is wrong with your pepto bismol". Now don't we all know that NO liquids more than 2 oz are allowed in your carry on???? Oh for the love of God!!!
We finally get on the plane and get off the ground when I start smelling a foul odor. Apparently, someone had had more than their fill of Thanksgiving grub. Politely I turn on the overhead fan to disburse the stench.
Over and over again the passenger behind me farted. By mid flight I had enough and each time he farted I raised my hand up and turned on the fan saying "oh for goodness sakes...go to the bathroom already"!!! He didn't get the hint.
I'm trying to ignore the stench when I look out the window...mistake...big mistake! I see a passenger jet maybe a 20 seater whiz by about 1 mile away. Now, a mile may not seem very close but trust me.....that is close enough in plane distance.
I'm watching t.v now to try to distract me from the foul odor and anything else that may be just outside our plane. Whoa...what was that??? Turbulence....my nightmare beyond the man farting behind me. Oh please let us get to Portland in one piece....clicking my heels like Dorothy and hoping the wizard will get us there in one piece. At least that got me to forget the smell. Funny, no one else seemed to mind the Thanksgiving gas.
My clicking of my heels must have done some good because we landed in Portland unharmed. We did however have to get a cab back to where our cars were parked.
We get out to where the taxi's are lined up and yup, you got it....the only taxi in the line up that had room for 6 people was....of course, you got it....the GREEN cab/shuttle. Well, at least this one was shiny and new and clean and the heat was on. We all pile in and we tell the cabbie where to take us. Uh, he's from Russia and we are his first fare EVER. O.K. I can deal with that, or can I? He takes a few minutes and finally figures out how to start the time on the meter. Then he tells us he doesn't know his way around town and will have to use GPS. Uh oh, I feel a sweat coming on. I tell him it's easy, I'll direct you because it's only about 5 miles away. The man misses the road and wants to take us on the damn freeway. Where the hell is he going to take us and are we paying him for this???!!! I slightly raise my I'm tired of traveling voice and tell him to get off the highway. He takes a side road and I am now the voice of the pissed off GPS. Self...stay calm I tell myself. We get almost to our cars when I tell him turn at the KFC...."KFC??? What is KFC?" Kentucky Fried Chicken.....turn at the Kentucky Fried Kitchen.....all the while everyone is is silently screaming turn at KFC and are holding on to their collective butts.
Thankfully we make it and our daughter in laws car keys are safely on the seat of her car. Ahhhhh, we have one more holiday to endure.........Christmas a joyous occasion. If I even mention flying to celebrate another holiday at family out of town.....please, someone slit my wrist!!!